IIn the years between 1992 and 1999, I dated seventeen magical characters, including: 1) The Teenaged Pink Pregnant Ape, 2) The Make-Believe Lesbian with the Horrible Coagulating Cough, 3) The Queen of Xanax, 4) The Bazooka Busted Sexual Harasser of Timid Men, 5) The Jewish Pickle aka The Spring Chicken, 6) The Magic Caboose Dirty Dancer, 7) The Luscious, Leather, Catbird Moonface, 8) The English Nanny of Mothball Abbey, 9) The Albino Bean Stalkerette, 10) Raspberry Skull, 11) The Cleaning Lady, 12) Little Miss Mediocre, 13) The Teen Prostitute, 14) The Popsicle Girl, 15) The Two Headed Wrestler, 16) The Marshmellow Lady with the Velvet Voice, and 17) The Widowed Nuclear Physicist.